Monthly Musings: November

And another month bites the dust.

Does anyone else feel like November was a bit of a 'meh' month? For one I can't remember the last time I saw so much as a streak of blue in the sky. Here in South Wales it has rained pretty much constantly since 4th November with brief intervals of gale force winds. I kid you not, I attempted to carry a large cardboard box from my storage lock-up to my car earlier today and I genuinely thought I was about to be swept off my feet like some kind of bedraggled, frizzy-haired Mary Poppins.

Here's me, hiding from the rain and praying for coffee

Maybe it was the murky weather or maybe it was the dull interlude between Halloween and Christmas, but my November was a bit grey all round. In fact, what even happened this month? Surely I must have been present for at least part of it!

Obsession of the month...

It's been a good while since I've had the time to sit down and binge-watch a TV show like I did back in my carefree uni days. But one day last month I was ill and suddenly found myself with an entire day to fill with nothing but lounging on the sofa under a duvet and catching up on my series links. It was glorious! You know, apart from the illness and whatnot.

Anyway, I finally got around to watching a show on Sky 1 called You, Me and the Apocalypse, which I quickly became totally obsessed with. 

It's about the oncoming end of the world (as you would imagine) and it follows various different characters from all over the place as they live out their final days. It's hilarious! The plot is totally off the wall and bizarre, but I am so hooked! There's just no way to guess what's going to happen next!

Now I just need to come down with the flu or something so I'll actually have the time to finish watching it... 

Accomplishment of the month...

I successfully applied winged eyeliner. Women everywhere will appreciate how huge this accomplishment is. 

Thing I am most ashamed of this month...

The shambles that was my Christmas shopping weekend. Don't get me wrong, it was a fabulous weekend. Roman Baths were visited, prosecco was guzzled, Big Rich Texas was binge-watched in the hotel room. But as far as actually making headway with my Christmas shopping goes...yeah, it was a total fail. I didn't buy a single gift. Unless you count gifts for myself...

Book of the month...

Do we really need to talk about it? Yes, I'm still reading *Middlemarch and yes I will still be reading it in 47 year's time.

Youtuber of the month...

Sarah Rae Vargas

This lady certainly does not need any additional promotion from little old me since she already has nearly 500,000 subscribers. And for good reason!

I've been subscribed to Sarah's channel for a while now and her videos are so different from anything else I've seen on Youtube. Her down to earth, no nonsense honesty is a breath of fresh air (and definitely leaning towards the risqué). She makes videos about body confidence, dealing with haters and sex alongside your standard hauls and outfit of the day videos. 

She also strikes me as the type of person who'd be great to go do tequila shots with.

Things ticked off the 2015 List...

Success! I actually accomplished something on the list this month!

26. Listen to classical music (in the vague hope that it will make me more cultured and stop my brain cells from fizzling out at such a high rate)

I had Radio 3 on in my car for an entire 4 days, which is a practically an eternity when you consider that I spend 4-6 hours of my work day driving. Listening to classical music definitely made me feel very cultured, but by day 5 I simply had to switch back to my beloved Radio 1. All the violins were starting to make me weirdly anxious. 

Next month I will aim to...

Soak up as much of the Christmas spirit as humanly possible...hopefully without inadvertently gaining 20lbs. Because, you know, Christmas chocolates...

Pssst! You can check out my favourite products of the month here:

(Affiliate links marked with *)

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The Return of the Littlest Loon!

It's been just over a year since I managed to get my niece to take 10 minutes out of her busy schedule of pretending to be a cat and hiding Playdough under the sofa to sit down and answer a series of questions about her life. I published her bizarre little ramblings in a blog post, which was (inevitably) heavily focussed on unicorns and princesses.

Now Lauren is six years old and I couldn't help wondering just how much her answers to those questions had changed over the course of a year. I mean, sure, her favourite colour is no longer pink, she's cast aside Sleeping Beauty in favour of Princess Jasmine and you'll never catch her performing the once beloved 'Cutie Patootie' dance. But how much has that adorable little weirdo really changed in the last thelve months?

To answer that question I spent last Saturday afternoon delving into the mind of a teeny tiny loon again as she sat on my bed, munching her way through a packet of digestive biscuits. (When I got into bed that night there were crumbs everywhere!)

And here's what she had to say. Everything I said is in purple and Lauren's words of wisdom are in green.

Ok, you ready?

Yeah.

What makes you happy?

Having fun!

What kind of fun?

Umm...going to the park and going to the trips in school.

What makes you sad?

When people are mean to me in school.

What makes you laugh?

Telling me jokes and me being silly.

If you could do anything today what would you do?

*Long interval of biscuit munching*

Umm...go to Disneyland!

How old are you?

*Gives me a dirty look as if I am the worst auntie in the world for even daring to ask this*

Six!

How old am I?

*Shrugs*

Have a guess.

Thirty two?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Ump,,,,,nothing.

Nothing? What are you going to do all day?

Stay in the house and be lazy. And I'm not going to have a boyfriend either. I'm going to stay on my own and be lazy.

All on your own?

Well...some kids.

You're going to have some kids?

Yeah. But I'm not going to have anything in my house except a bed.

But you don't want a boyfriend. Children need a mammy and a daddy.

*munch munch munch*
....I'm going to be an auntie then. 

Ok.

I don't want kids. No! I don't want my own. But I want a grand-kid. I don't want my own kids. 

You don't?

No! ...How old are you?

Twenty four.

...Ok. What's the next question?

Who's your best friend?

Tommy. No, actually Tommy isn't my best friend. He's my boyfriend.

So who's your best friend?

Rex and Max.

I haven't heard of them before. Are they in your school?

No. *whispers* They're in the caravan.

What's your favourite animal?

Rainbow Dash.

What's your favourite song?

Bad Romance!

What's your favourite food?

Umm...broccoli?

Where is your favourite place to go?

Disneyland!

What are you really good at?

Maths.

What are you not very good at?

Nothing!

You're good at everything?

*giggles like a crazy person* 
I'm not good at making people! 

What do you want for your birthday?

A real friend Rainbow Dash pony! 

What did you do today?

Umm...played a game. I was in the caravan and then I played a game and then I came to Nanna's house and I played a game again and then I'm going home and I'm going to play a game agaaaiiin!!

Those were all the questions. Do you have anything to add?

I want to stick my tongue out!  

And there you have it!
You know, part of me wonders what a trained professional would make of some of that...

Monthly Musings: September!

Do you ever have one of those months that just feels like a brick in the face? That was how September was for me. Don't get me wrong, it was a great month. My birthday is in September and I got a new job, I finally managed to catch up on Game of Thrones (although I have no idea what I'm meant to do with my life until the next season comes out!) and the weather was uncharacteristically pleasant.   

But boy was it intense! One minute it was the first week of the month and I was happily knocking back Jack Daniels and blowing out birthday candles and now all of a sudden it's October and I've somehow become a sleep-deprived business woman who can barely account for the last three weeks of her life. 

But, whether I can make sense of it or not, September is over and it's time for some monthly musings!

Obsession of the month...

This month I have been obsessively listening to Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor's new song, 'Marvin Gaye'. On repeat. Sometimes for hours on end. Of the 73 million views the video has had on Youtube, 10,000 or so of them are probably mine. Yes I'm aware that I could just download the song on Itunes, but that would be far too logical. That's simply not how I roll.

Accomplishment of the month...

This month my greatest accomplishment was getting myself a fancy new grown up job, which involves wearing blouses, pretending I know how to use an Ipad, and occasionally popping into London and getting utterly lost on the Tube. I never thought I'd end up in the corporate world (being more into rainbows and smiles than pie charts and firm handshakes) but I guess that's the beauty of my bizarre little life. There is absolutely no knowing where I'll end up next.

Thing I am most ashamed of this month...

As part of my fancy new job I got a fancy new company car. The low point of the month was definitely getting stuck outside Dominos Pizza for 15 minutes because I couldn't work out how to put the car into reverse. #epicfail

Book of the month...

The book I've been slowly but surely working my way through this month (and will no doubt be working my way through for a good few months to come) is Middlemarch by George Eliot. Now don't get me wrong, I love Victorian novels. I don't mind getting entangled in the enormous descriptive passages or trying to keep tabs on the seemingly never-ending cast of characters (yes, Dickens, that one was aimed at you). But so far Middelmarch hasn't really grabbed my attention and the next 636 are looking pretty daunting right now. Wish me luck.

Youtuber of the month...

I've been subscribed to Stepanka for a long time now, but for the last few weeks I've been binge-watching her videos like some kind of weird stalker. Maybe I find comfort in knowing there's someone out there who seems to end up in as many random and bizarre circumstances as I do. But if you enjoy my weird and wonderful annecdotes then you'll probably love her channel.

Things ticked off The 2015 List...

An accurate depiction of how I currently look/feel

This month I continued the theme of accomplishing absolutely nothing on The 2015 List. I'm nothing if not consistent after all.

Next month I will aim to...

Fit in some time to sleep! This month has been so hectic that the bags under my eyes have become a permanent feature, so deeply engrained that there's not enough concealer in the world to help me. Trust me, I've already gone through a whole bottle!

I've Returned with my Sanity (ish): My Summer at an All Boys Sports Camp

Well, what a long, bizarre two months those were! I successfully survived a summer working at an all boys sports camp in the USA, although my opinion of cheese has been dramatically altered forever and it may be some time before I can look at a football without being reduced to random outbreaks of twitching and tears. In fact, I may have reached my quota for all things sports related for the next thirty five years. 

I had every intention of keeping my blog at least somewhat up to date while I was out there. I lugged my out-of-date, 5 tonne laptop all the way to Maine with the best of intentions, honestly. I just didn't have the time. I mean, how is it even possible to be awake for so many hours and still have so few minutes free?

One night I did find myself with a little bit of extra free time and, being the dedicated blogger I am, I opted to attempt writing up a post through my haze of utter exhaustion instead of collapsing on my bed to indulge in some American Netlfix.

And this is what I wrote...

Hey y'all! Apologies for abandoning you for over a month without much more than a few half-hearted snaps on Instagram, but when you're a camp counsellor time is like gold dust. I work anywhere from 12 to 17 hours a day and, during my one break, I face the daily struggle of trying to decide whether my highest priority is showering or napping. I never thought I'd consider shaving my legs to be a luxury, but now that point is long since passed.

And yet, even though the days are seemingly never ending, even though the bags under my eyes have gotten so bad I'm concerned they may be permanently engrained on my face from this day forward, and even though I've been reduced to wearing my hair in plaits and cutting eyeliner out of my life completely, I really am enjoying myself.

I arrived in the USA on June 21st after a 4 hour car ride, a punctured tire, a 7 hour flight and a 90 minute wait at border patrol. I was welcomed into the country by a grumpy Bostonian at border patrol who sounded eerily like an angry version of Buddy Valastro from Cake Boss. Thus my American adventure began.

What do I even begin to say about camp?

This job ranks very highly on the list of most bizarre things I've ever done and, let me tell you, that says a great deal. At least five times a day I look around and find myself thinking, 'is this just a long, drawn out, extremely bizarre dream?' Of course, it could just be that I'm so sleep deprived by this point that my brain is actually starting to melt out through my ears, but...

And that's as far as I got before I literally passed out on my keyboard. I am not exaggerating when I say I was like the living dead. Most days I survived solely on questionable coffee and sheer willpower.

But, despite the long hours, sleep deprivation, being forced to watch more sports in seven weeks than I'd planned on watching in my entire life, and constantly finding glue in my hair, it was fun. I made some good friends and I have some amazing memories. Yes, there was also plenty of humiliation scattered throughout, but, for this post at least, let's skim over that.

And now I'm back! I hope you didn't miss me too much!

Monthly Musings: March!

Obsession of the month...

My obsession this month was a new TV programme on Netflix called Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It has all the components of what I would consider to be the perfect TV show. The humour is bizarre, random and totally genius, the theme tune is catchy, and you never know when one of the characters is going to randomly burst into song. It's fabulous on so many levels!

Unfortunately, I made that fatal Netflix error of watching the entire season over the course of two short days and now I'm stuck twiddling my thumbs until they upload the next one.

Accomplishment of the month...

This month my Youtube channel hit 100 subscribers! I'd call that a pretty awesome accomplishment. It's so exciting and I'm so grateful/amazed that people like my videos so much. And I've been getting so many lovely comments and messages from my subscribers too! 

If you are a subscriber then thank you! I really, really, really appreciate your support. And if you're not, what are you waiting for? Go subscribe and experience my rants and ramblings in an entirely new medium! (Plus there's a super awesome giveaway going on right now too!)

High point of the month...

I'm not even ashamed to say that one of the most memorable occurrences of the month was coming across a Milkybar Milk and Cookies chocolate bar. Just when I thought there wasn't anything more delicious in the world than Milkybar chocolate, they go and put little chunks of cookie in there! It was just...everything! 

Low point of the month...

Not being able to find said Milkybar Milk and Cookies chocolate bars anywhere since. I mean, in what kind of cruel world would I find something so perfect, just to have it snatched away from me? 

Book of the month...

I've spent the entire month trawling through Stephen King's 'The Stand' and I still have another 150 pages or so to go. Unless something truly monumental happens right at the end, I can't see it working its way into my top 10. Or top 20. It's a really great story, but it seems ridiculous that a plot that takes place over the course of a single summer needs to be over 1000 pages long. I mean, come on! Margaret Mitchell squeezed 16 years worth of plot into a novel shorter than this one!

Youtuber of the month...

Popgnome

This month I've been binge-watching videos by Kourtney and Jessica, AKA Popgnome. Their channel is a mixed bag with videos about everything from lipstick to DIY, food to dogs. You know I like my Youtbers down-to-Earth, fun, and interesting to watch and these girls tick all the boxes! 

Things ticked off The 2015 List...

I managed to tick just one more thing off the list this month (it's going painfully slowly).
32. Visit somewhere new
This month I took a trip to the Forest of Dean with my friend Beth, her boyfriend, and a whole lot of his friends. Yes, I know I'm a party-crasher, but who can blame me? After all, a weekend away is a weekend away!
We stayed in little cabins surrounded by trees and mud and (so I'm told) all kind of animals. Personally it's the closest to camping I ever want to get. And imagine my surprise when I realised that the Forest of Dean is actually nowhere near the Lake District!
Actually I'm beginning to wonder whether it's too late to add "brush up on basic Geography" to The 2015 List.

Next month I will aim to...

Make some headway with The 2015 List. I'm three months into the year and I've only managed to tick off a measly two accomplishments. Maybe I won't aim for number 6 (climb Snowdon), but there are plenty of random things on there that would actually require very little planning (or effort). 

"Stop Comparing this to Toddlers and Tiaras!": Cheer Competition

This morning I woke up aching all over and tinged orange, which can only mean one thing. We had another cheer competition this weekend. We hauled our oversized makeup bags and sparkly bows all the way back to the Birmingham NEC, this time for Legacy Dream Extreme.

I haven't changed much in 20 years apparently

As per usual, the bus became some kind of frantic beauty salon on wheels, with teasing combs, eyeliner and cans of hairspray flying left, right and centre. By some miracle we managed to get there without anyone blinding themselves with a mascara wand, but the stress of having to apply winged eyeliner whilst on a moving vehicle threatened to ruin team morale for the day.

This time we had to wear our hair in giant, back-combed ponytails. Personally I hate wearing my hair up in any way, shape or form because it exposes by ridiculous Dumbo ears, but I'm a sucker for huge hair so I ended up loving it. The only issue I had with it was that my ponytail wanted to curve around the sides of my face, which made me look disturbingly like I did when I was three years old and my mother thought I'd look cute with a bob.

The competition itself went brilliantly. Every stunt hit, there were only two minor wobbles and this time I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to run off the mat during the pyramid to be violently sick. A win all round, I would say. We weren't even phased by our music cutting out towards the end of the routine.

As my friend, Helen, pointed out after we had finished performing, "You just have to keep going."
"Oh yes!" I agreed. "I've seen enough episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras to know that no matter what happens (if your musics cuts out, if you fall over, anything) you just keep going."
"I wish you would stop comparing this competition to Toddlers and Tiaras." Said Helen.
"There are rhinestones and big hair. It's pretty much the same thing." I insisted.

And then came the awards ceremony (or, as I kept accidentally referring to it all day long, crowning). I loved the way Legacy set it up. All the teams from all the divisions were called out one by one and we all sat on the mat. It was like a sea of sparkly, oversized bows! Then, in true American fashion, (because Legacy is run by Americans) the presentation of prizes for each division was accompanied by the cheesiest of music, presumably to create suspense. Naturally, I loved it, as I do all things cheesy and over the top.

And we came fourth! Not last! Sure, some teams were hoping for first or second, but for us not coming dead last meant we had significantly improved since last time. After all, half the team is new, most of them have never cheered before and Future Cheer last month was the first time a lot of us had ever even stepped foot in a cheer competition. So fourth place was a major win for us!

But the day wasn't over. First we all had to commit to the odious task of brushing all the back-combing and hairspray out of our hair (which I can confirm was both painful and exhausting) and then we headed back to the Holiday Inn for the night. And can we pause here to clarify that a three-quarter-sized bed is not meant to fit two people, especially when it's not actually a bed, but a sofa bed?

That night some of us went out for a meal, some of us stayed in the hotel and ordered pizza, and some of us drank what I can only assume was an excessive amount of alcohol. The next morning when the party-goers climbed onto the bus I was glad I'd opted for nothing more than a few glasses of wine with my cheesy chicken. Hangovers are bad enough without adding a three and a half hour bus journey into the mix.

So our weekend went spectacularly well! Our team performed better than we ever have before, came away with a fourth place trophy, and I got to stuff my face with chocolate in the hotel room. I don't think I could have asked for anything more.

For more cheer competition craziness, you can watch my Cheer Vlog here:

Bethan's Birthday Bowling Bonanza (and other B words)

This week my friend, Bethan, turned 23. The same Bethan I travelled Europe with. The Bethan who got head-butted by a horse in Berlin, forced a drunken Irish man to take off his top and bench-press a keg in a nightclub in Prague, and is always my first choice for karaoke partner. Yes, that's the one.

To celebrate we went bowling. It's difficult to say which of us is the worst at bowling. Bushell seems to score quite highly. but that's only because we keep the rails up and he ricochets the balls off them. Hayleigh is particularly good at aiming her ball at small spaces where there are no pins to knock down. For my part, I repeatedly start off well, all strikes and spares, only to totally lose all control of my arms during the second half of the game, sending the bowling balls off in weird directions and eventually coming last out of everyone.

Actually, as far as the first game goes, I blame my failure purely on the garlic bread I was eating. I was too afraid to set it down when my turn came around in case one of my friends ate it or hid it somewhere weird so I took it along with me.  Unfortunately my brain couldn't grasp the idea that my right hand needed to release what it was holding (the bowling ball) whilst my left hand needed to keep a firm grip on what it was holding (the garlic bread) so I ended up throwing them both.

Naturally, as it was a celebratory occasion, we had some drinks. We each had one free drink as part of our package (along with chicken nuggets, burgers, fries, and all kind of glorious junk food) and, when I went to the bar to get my second I asked the barman, "What would be the difference between a Bells and a Jack Daniels?" (Look at me, being all frugal!)
The barman misunderstood, thinking I meant, what's the difference between these two different kinds of whiskeys. Really? I was wearing a Jack Daniels t-shirt and cowboy boots. This girl knows her whisky!
"No," I said. "I mean, the difference in price."

I did not add, "Anyone with taste-buds would know Bells is a scotch, while Jack Daniels is a Tennessee sour mash, most comparable to a bourbon."
As it turns out they were the same price (when does that ever happen?) so no prizes for guessing which I opted for.

When bowling was over (needless to say I lost both games) we went on an adventure. Or rather, we almost went on an adventure. We drove out to an old abandoned police station, sat in the cars discussing whether or not to go in, and eventually decided it was way too scary and drove away again.

But, creepy-horror-movie-type moment aside, it was a really fun evening. The only thing that could have possibly made it better is karaoke (although I don't know many places that combine bowling and karaoke). So happy birthday Bethan! Here's hoping you don't get too drunk this weekend.

Monthly Musings: February

So the second month of 2015 has drawn to a close. I successfully survived another Valentine's Day alone without resorting to a heart-shaped chocolate overdose and, as we move into March, we're one step closer to being able to throw off our bulky winter coats and embrace the first signs of summer as it glimmers on the horizon (or, for those of us living in South Wales, a slight increase in temperature with a good chance of showers).

Those of you who read last month's musings will know that this month I challenged myself to spend less time shouting at re-runs of Judge Judy between mouthfuls of shortbread dipped in Nutella. Well, I'm proud to say I've spent a lot less time in my pjs this month, but I'm far from being anything close to interesting and/or fun. For instance, today I was determined to go out and 'live life', but the only place I could think of the go to is an overpriced bar 15 minutes from my house. So here I've sat, nursing the world's most expensive glass of lemonade and pretending to get some work done.

But at least I'm heading in the right direction I guess.

So here's a recap of my month...

That hair!

Obsession of the month...

My February obsession was Blown Away, an album by Carrie Underwood. I downloaded it at the start of the month and I've been continuously listening to it on repeat ever since. I'm listening to it as I drive, as I work, as I attempt to force my hair into a semi-attractive style, and I sing the songs to myself while I'm in the shower. I've been a Carrie Underwood fan for years (I don't know whether I'm more impressed by her music or her wonderful country-girl hair), but this is my favourite album of hers. It just makes me want to put on my cowboy boots and pretend I'm cool.

Accomplishment of the month...

While organising my lipsticks was a pretty big deal, I'm going to say the biggest accomplishment of the month was competing in my first cheer competition. No, scratch that. My biggest accomplishment was competing in my first cheer competition without having to run off the mat and vomit into the crowd of spectators. 
Either way, it was an amazing day and, if you haven't already, you can take a look at how the competition panned out in my cheer vlog.

Book of the month...

I got through quite a few books in February (determined as I am not to lose any more brain cells), but the one that stood out for me was Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It was beautiful to read, words lovingly stitched together in a way that almost gave them a texture of their own. It really forced me to evaluate my life, to consider the passing of time and the inevitability of death, which, while far from uplifting, was certainly more interesting than the thoughts I usually encounter on a daily basis ("Why would they take Tangled off Netflix?" "My foundation just ran out. How can I possibly leave the house?" "If these crisps now have half the fat, can I eat two packets?" and so on).
But, honestly, this is the best book I have read in a long time. 

Youtuber of the month...

Linzy Rae 

If you like your beauty gurus funny, down to earth and honest then I'm convinced you will love Lindsay's channel. Have you ever watched someone on TV or Youtube and thought 'I wish we were BFFs, she looks like so much fun'? Well that's how I feel about Lindsay (and the Long Island Medium, but that's a story for another day). 

Things ticked off The 2015 List...

Any movie with hot men in uniform is fine with me

I was convinced I had utterly failed again and made it through another entire month without crossing a single thing off the list, but when I double checked, I realised I'd managed to tick one off without even realising it. That totally still counts!
29. Watch Top Gun
I'm not sure how I made it to the ripe old age of 23 without watching a film in which Tom Cruise runs around dressed in military uniform (seriously, where has this been all my life?!) but it's fair to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Apart from the depressing bit in the middle. I sobbed through that part.

Next month I will aim to...

Work out some kind of life plan. Or, at the very least, work out what to do with the next few months. Don't get me wrong, being a full-time Disney Princess is all very well and good, but I need to start asking myself some important questions. Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? If yes, who will realistically want to hire a 40 year old Elsa impersonator? Where shall I go on my summer holiday this year? Shall I get a fringe cut in?

By the end of March I'd like to have a clearer idea of what I'm doing with my life. Or, if not my life, then at least my hair. 

24 Hours of Fancy

If three years in Exeter taught me anything about myself it's that I am not a fancy person. I drink Blossom Hill instead of Prosecco, I do not understand the obsession with Jack Wills, and I have never held a £50 note. (While we're on the topic, does anyone actually know who's on the £50 note? I've always been curious.)

But last week I got the opportunity to pretend to be super fancy for a full 24 hours. It was exhausting. 

As a birthday treat for my mother we went to the Celtic Manor Resort, a golf, spa and leisure hotel and resort in Newport. Everyone from the Prince of Wales to Elton John, Shirley Bassey and even Obama have stayed there. Clearly, if it's good enough for Barack then it's good enough for us. 

I drove (purely because my car would fit in fractionally better among the BMWs and Porches than my mother's Ford Focus) and there was a long, winding driveway up to the hotel. Even the shrubbery was fancy! But there was a £15 charge to use the car park overnight! In a hotel as posh as the Celtic Manor you'd expect a valet in full livery with some kind of elaborate moustache to come and park the car for you (not that I would have dared let a valet get in my car, amongst the discarded Cadbury wrappers and crumpled up parking tickets). At the very least you expect to park for free. I mean, I can't imagine Obama standing at the ticket machine, counting out his pound coins.

However, by the time we got to the check-in desk, any irritation had been completely replaced with awe. The lobby was huge, with impressive dragon sculptures and giant Rolex clocks, showing the time in a random assortment of countries. It was even more impressive than the Radisson Blu in Cologne (although I may be biased because, well, there were dragons).

It was while we were queueing to check-in that we first spotted our holiday enemy. There is always a holiday enemy, regardless of where you go or whether you're there for two weeks or one solitary night. The holiday enemy is the person who keeps popping up at various points throughout your stay, seemingly with the sole purpose of irritating you.

Our holiday enemy was a lady in amongst a group of women who clearly thought they were auditioning for 'The Real Housewives of South Wales'. I didn't even know that people like this existed in real life, but there they were, looking more glamorous than any person has a right to at three 'o' clock in the afternoon in Newport. And then there was the holiday enemy, flicking her hair as if she was sponsored by L'oreal, laughing loudly so all the little people could hear, and staring down her nose at the rest of the world (literally, because her heels were so high).

"Look at her," My mother said. "She thinks that being in the Celtic Manor means she's really something special. But obviously it doesn't. After all, we're here!"

The room was amazing! There was so much space (I wish my bedroom was half as big) and we had a little sitting area with arms chairs, a desk, a dressing table, a view that stretched out for miles and a mini bar that we were too afraid to so much as look at. Then there was the bathroom. It was heavenly! I mean, the Bryn Meadows may have had a tv in the bathroom, but this bathroom had a giant mirror with lights all around and ample room to do makeup (even for someone who spreads out mess as much as I do).

After exploring the room we did a little turn around the lobby again, investigating the cocktail bars and restaurants and I taught my mother to carry her bag on the crook of her elbow because "that's how the rich people do it". Then we sat and had a coffee (which came with complimentary cakes!) and we tried to work out how we were possibly going to raise enough money to move into the hotel. Because clearly there was no going back to real life after a taste of such luxury.

We ate dinner in the Olive Tree, one of the restaurants downstairs, which served a hot buffet. I won't lie, I stuffed my face. Soup, turkey, duck, vegetables, weird rice things, some kind of gnocchi...I didn't turn down anything. I had five desserts and I feel no shame! Everything was delicious and, best of all, everything was labelled stating whether or not it was gluten free.

Then we got the bill and I thought my mother was going to throw four courses worth of food back up onto her plate.
"£9 for a glass of wine?!"
She complained all the way back to the room. Yes, she moaned about the price of wine all the way through the lobby of the most posh hotel in the country (but, even as she was ranting, she kept her bag on the crook of her arm in an attempt to blend in). Luckily she didn't find out how much my Cosmopolitan had cost until the next day.

After a night spent in wonderfully comfortable beds, and a morning spent stuffing our faces full of delicious breakfast goodies, we went to the pool. It was amazing! There were saunas, steam rooms, hot tubs, jacuzzis, sun loungers, a ceiling with little LCD bulbs, painted to look like the night's sky. It was all so...fancy!

But, all too soon, it was time to check-out. It was so sad, knowing that we were heading back out into a world where people wouldn't rush to our aid whenever we needed something or call us ma'am, a world where there was no one to come and re-fold our napkins between courses, where the baths were regular sizes and no one came to refill your wine glass.

We caught one last sight of our holiday enemy again, flicking her hair and posing.
"You know," I said. "If she really was that posh then she'd know you're not meant to wear open toe shoes after Labour Day."

And that's the story of how, for just one night, my mother and I became all fancy-shmancy, sipping on overpriced wine and dining on food we couldn't pronounce the names of. But alas, when the clock struck 12 it was check-out time and, as we pulled out of the car park, we instantly turned back into pumpkins.

Random Facts About my Random Life: 24 Questions Tag

It's no secret that I love tag questions. It's probably mostly to do with the fact that like to read about all of the bizarre and pointless details of other people's lives. Well, it's been a while since I did my last tag and I thought it was about time for me to bombard you with a new series of weird and wonderful facts about me!

1. Do you have a middle name?
I do. It's Rebecca. For some reason I struggled to spell that for years when I was in primary school. I was convinced it was Rebbeca. Even now I'm not entirely sure it looks right...

2. What was your favourite subject in school?
English. Shocker! I'm pretty sure I came out of the womb with a love of literature! I was 11 years old when I decided I wanted to do an English degree at university, a decision I only questioned once when I was choosing my A Levels and I briefly toyed with the idea of going in for medicine. But, when I realised real life was nothing like Scrubs, I quickly reverted to the original plan.

3. What's your favourite drink?
Jack Daniels and Diet Coke hands down. The only thing that can improve Jack Daniels in my opinion is drinking it whilst wearing cowboy boots. 

4. What's your favourite song at the moment?
Good Girl by Carrie Underwood.

5. What would you name your children?

The truth is, I have an absolutely epic girl's name picked out already (which may or may not make me crazy seeing as I don't even have a boyfriend) but that is top secret information. Haven't you people seen that episode of Sex and the City where that awful woman steals Charlotte's baby name? I'm not even sure I'll tell the baby's father until after it's born just in case!

6. Do you participate in any sports?
I'm a cheerleader. My toe-touches are appalling, but I love it!

7. What's your favourite book?
Gone with the Wind. Scarlett O'Hara is the ultimate heroine. She'd make a terrible friend though...

8. What's your favourite colour?
Pink!

9. What's your favourite animal?
I'm not much of a pet person (apart from bunnies. Bunnies are awesome and my bunny was the best bunny of them all!) but I love tigers, giraffes and elephants. We saw the baby elephant at West Midlands Safari Park last summer and he was adorable! No word of a lie, he knew he was the star of the show. He stood in front of each car in turn and waggled his ears at them. I thought my brain was going to explode from cuteness overload.

10. What's your favourite perfume?
Right now I love Heat by Beyonce, but, in all honesty, I'll wear whatever I'm given for Christmas (providing it doesn't smell like mildew or onions or something).

11. What's your favourite holiday?
Christmas is probably my favourite because I love the build up. Putting up the tree, shopping for gifts, eating my weight in chocolate coins and that kind of thing. But I also really love Halloween. Some of my best memories are of Halloween and, honestly, there's nothing like the musty smell of the boxes of Halloween decorations when you take them down from the attic each year.

12. Have you graduated from High School?
No, I've just completed comprehensive school, which I don't really count as an achievement as such because it's required by law.

13. Have you been out of the country?
I'm very lucky. I've been to Greece more times than I care to count, Tenerife, Portugal, France...in fact, I travelled all over Europe in 2013 with my friends Hayleigh and Bethan. I've also been to South Africa twice and Florida, but I'm not nearly done exploring. There are plenty more countries for me to humiliate myself in!

14. Do you speak any other languages?
I should speak Welsh, partly because I was taught it from the age of 4 to the age of 16, and partly because there's something very sad about not being able to speak your national language. But compulsory Welsh lessons are very lax and, over time I've forgotten about 80% of what I learned at school. I still remember how to say a few key things like "I would like a cake" and "My belly hurts" so I guess that's something.

15. Do you have any siblings?
I have an older brother. And when I say older, I mean old. He's 37. Pretty soon he'll be balding and using a walking stick. (Love you, Rob!)

16. What's your favourite store?
Either Waterstones or The Range. I'm not even sure where the appeal lies in The Range because it's mostly full of Tupperware and wallpaper, but I just love it.

17. What's your favourite restaurant?
TGI Fridays. Those people put Jack Daniels on chicken and serve the best cosmopolitans. Enough said!

18. Do you like school?
I would give anything to go back to school (probably not comprehensive school because it was a shambles, but college or university). I miss learning things! I'm very concerned that my brain is slowly turning to mush. By next week I might not even remember how to read.

19. Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?
Linzy Rae
Leigh Ann Says
Kendall Rae
Can I count myself?


20. What's your favourite movie?
Beauty and the Beast. I feel no shame. It is amazing.

21. What are some of your favourite TV shows?
Toddlers and Tiaras, Say Yes to the Dress, American Horror Story, Desperate Housewives...again I feel no shame.

22. PC or Mac?
Oh how I wish I could afford a Mac! 

23. What phone do you have?
I have an iPhone 5. I'm pretty sure the contract is up though...

24. How tall are you?
5 4" (that could be pushing it).

So there you have it. Another 24 totally random facts about me!

Monthly Musings: January

"...the cuddly dressing gown with bunny ears on the hood..."

January is already drawing to a close and, one month into 2015, I'm not entirely convinced that I've made the best start on my New Year's Resolutions. I've spent a worrying amount of time curled up in front of Judge Judy in the cuddly dressing gown with bunny ears on the hood that I had for Christmas. Actually, Judge Judy has severely eaten into the time I'd planned to spend exercising, going new places and generally transforming myself into a well-rounded grown-up. Oh well. Maybe next month.

To ensure that the months don't slip away from me as quickly as they did last year and to try and encourage myself to stick to those pesky resolutions, I've decided to start writing monthly recaps. I'll write about my favourite things from the month, high points, low points, random annecdotes and whatever else seems relevant at the time. I know, super organised and well thought out, right?

So here's an insight into my January!

Obsession of the month...

This month I embarked on a worrying relationship with detox water. For Christmas I had a detox water bottle, which has a little inner section to fill with fruits and veggies so that the water gets infused with all sorts of goodness and tastiness. It was meant to be a part of my healthy new lifestyle, which ultimately backfired when my mother threatened to confiscate the bottle for fear that I would accidentally drown myself in citrus flavoured water. In fairness, I can see how 4 litres a day could be considered excessive.

Accomplishment of the month...

Finally locating my missing passport. For three weeks I tore through the house, pulling out draws, toppling furniture...I even ventured into the attic! But at last I found my passport, buried in a forgotten bag of toiletries I never got around to unpacking after moving back home. Clearly I should have known to check for vital documents in amongst my moisturisers. 

Thing I am most ashamed of this month...

Last week I ate half a loaf of white bread. All to myself. In one afternoon.
(Bonus shame points - I have a gluten intolerance, therefore making the white bread consumption twice as bad because I'm meant to avoid it like the plague.)

Book of the month...

Bridget Jones's Diary.
Although not as good as the film, (which could be because I am biased towards anything that has Hugh Grant's sexy voice in it) the book did have me laughing out loud. That said, I did not enjoy the record of her daily weigh-ins, which were a constant reminder that even Bridget Jones is skinnier than me. I know she's a fictional character, but it was a kick in the teeth all the same.

Youtuber of the month...

Kendall Rae
I enjoy her humour, random outbursts, and the fact that just as many bizarre and humiliating things seem to happen to her as they do to me.

Things ticked off The 2015 List...

...None. I really need to work on that.

Next month I will aim to...

Spend less time in my bunny dressing gown (even though it is the most amazing piece of clothing I own and it should be socially acceptable for me to wear it out in public), watching Judge Judy and eating Nutella out of the jar. Instead I will seize the day! I'm not entirely sure what that comprises of yet...

My New Year's Resolutions (with the best of intentions)

Last year my New Year's resolution was 'to be better'. I'm not sure that I ever truly understood what I really meant by that other than that I wanted to improve every aspect of my life in one fair swoop. I had a vague idea that it would include everything from getting up earlier to reading more, dabbling in the Welsh language to becoming some kind of vegetable-loving, meditating, eco-friendly woman of the world who also puts time and effort into getting her hair to lie flat and wears good shoes.

Clearly this was not a good resolution. It was way too vague and ridiculous. I couldn't keep up with all the different aspects of it, partially because they changed from one day to the next. This year I'm going to set myself a list of clear cut, attainable goals with the best of intentions (which, as we know, the road to Hell is paved with) and I'm sharing them with you guys so that I'll feel more obligated to actually get up and do them.

New Year's Eve: A Family Affair

Happy 2015! Christmas officially feels as though it never happened. It came and went so quickly that I still have a bottle of Winter Jack out in the kitchen that I didn't even get a chance to open. My head is still spinning and there's nothing but a few leftover chocolates and a lingering feeling of exhaustion to suggest that Christmas ever happened at all.

And now suddenly it's 2015. I'm glad. 2014 was an odd year for me, almost like a stopgap, which went by in a blur of confusion and, as we went from November to December, I was happy to get the last few dregs of the year over and done with and start on a new one. I had my annual, "Next year I will sort out my life and transform myself into a wonderful, fully-functioning grown-up human being" pep talk and, after that, New Year's couldn't come quickly enough.

The Blur that was my 2014!

Generally speaking, 2014 has been a weird year for me. For a start, it went so quickly that my head is still spinning, but I have no real idea of what I've done in the last 12 months to show for it. In 2013 I took up blogging, had a bizarre overseas romance, partied with elves, went on more spontaneous nights out than any one person has a right to do in the course of a single year, and travelled Europe, just off the top of my head.

How to Survive a Break-Up

Break-ups are never easy. Even truly dire relationships require time for mourning once they’re over. (Trust me, I’ve been there.) You’re entitled to feel as though the earth is crumbling around you when someone you care about suddenly stops being a part of your life. Tears must be shed, walls must be punched and, eventually, expensive clothing he had the audacity to leave at your house must be burned.

Car-tastrophe! Hot Doctors, Whiplash and Plenty of Stress.

I know I've been Missing in Action for a while and I apologise. I've been stretched to my limits over the past few weeks trying to organise the new business. Who would have thought being a full-time princess would take up so much time and energy? And, to make matters even more stressful, I've been sharing my car with my parents for almost two weeks now. Few things are less comfortable than being forced to sit in the back seat of your own car. Except, of course, if you have a Peugeot 206 cc. That's even less comfortable due to the fact that the back seat is only really big enough for a very small child. Or a chihuahua.

But, unfortunately, my parents' car got towed away in a very sad state after a car crash, which mangled the entire back end of the car, potentially traumatised Lauren for life and, above all, ruined my plans for the evening.

It was a Thursday afternoon and, by some cruel twist of fate, I had been forced to go to the Harvester with my mother and the children after school. I loathe the Harvester. Even if we put aside the fact that every time I've been there my food has been tasteless and disturbingly soggy, there's something about an all you can eat salad bar that does not sit well with me. Perhaps it's the thought of refrigerated beetroot or perhaps it's because, having been there with Lauren, I've witnessed how easy it is for a small child to lick the giant spoon used to serve the blue cheese dip without anyone noticing. Whatever the reason, I was looking forward to putting thoughts of questionable coleslaw behind me and heading off to my yoga class that evening.

Unfortunately, I never made it to yoga.

On the way home Ellis sat in the passenger seat and I sat in the back with Lauren. They were arguing about who could think of the most words beginning with the letter F. Ellis was coming out with 'frustration', 'fusion', 'fraction'. Lauren, on the other hand, was listing things along the lines of "Frozen castle", "Frozen Elsa", "Frozen Arendelle".

It was rainy and dark and it was rush hour. The motorway was packed. For some reason the driver in front slammed on her breaks and my mother couldn't slow down in time. We all screamed (admittedly I screamed the loudest and for longest) as we bumped into the back of the car in front. I had time to think, "Oh wow, we hit it" before the car behind went into the back of us with full force. Apparently she hadn't seen us so she hadn't even put on her breaks.

There were a few moments of stunned silence (and total agony through my entire back) before the scene erupted into chaos. And then there I was, standing on the side of the motorway in the rain, looking at what was left of the boot of my parents' car with a screaming child in my arms. Lauren was hysterical.

"Where are the police?" She screamed, sobbing into my neck.
"Don't worry about it darling. We're all alright."
"No, I want to talk to the police! I want to talk to them right now!"
Goodness knows what she intended to say to them.

Ellis, on the other hand, stayed put in the front of the car, listening to the radio and happily surveying the scene. He was the calmest one of us all!

Then, as if things weren't dramatic enough, another group of cars crashed just a little way up the motorway from us. Before long the hard-shoulder was packed with half a dozen cars, all looking rather worse for wear, two ambulances, a police car and a screaming five year old, still demanding to speak to the police.

And so, at just about the time when I should have been working on my downward-facing dog, I found myself in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Lauren had cheered up considerably by this time and was asking the paramedic a thousand and one questions.
"What does that button do?"
"Why is that tissue blue?"
"Why is Ellis sitting on a bigger chair than me?"
"Why are you sitting like that?"
"Are you going to put one of those tubes in my arm?"
And, as if I hadn't been through enough already that evening, my phone died in the middle of a Snapchat conversation. That was worse than the back pain!

When we got to the hospital, Ellis had to be put onto a stretcher because his wheelchair was crushed inside the boot of the car back on the side of the motorway. Naturally Lauren insisted on wheeling him through the hospital, happy to mow down anyone who got in her way. She steered him into the wall a few times, but eventually we made it into the paediatrics unit with no further injuries.

When the doctor finally arrived to check the children over (Ellis had hurt his back and Lauren was insisting that absolutely everything was hurting, despite the fact that was alternatively crawling around on the floor and climbing up onto Ellis' hospital bed) I couldn't believe my eyes. He was gorgeous! I couldn't help wishing I'd taken a few moments during the ambulance ride to reapply my lipstick!

So Dr Gorgeous examined the children and did his best to fend off Lauren as she tried to climb up his legs (she is just as partial to a handsome man as I am. Thankfully I have slightly more self-control) and I was inwardly cursing the harsh hospital lighting, which was doing nothing for my already drained and pale complexion.

That's when the handsome doctor referred to me as Ellis and Lauren's mother. Really?! Either I look so young that I have to produce my driving licence to buy a scratch card or I look old enough to be a mother of two children. It can't be both! I mean, I know the lighting was anything but flattering, but come on!

The children were given the all clear, despite Lauren's best attempts to convince the doctor that she was in agony, whilst simultaneously trying to swat him with a book. Then he asked if my mother and I were injured at all, which triggered a great deal of inner conflict. My back and neck were still hurting, but I had foolishly ignored my grandmother's wise advice of always wearing matching underwear in case you're ever hit by a bus. True I'd only been hit by a three door car, but there was still a chance I'd be forced to expose the fact that I was wearing mismatched lingerie. Of all the days to opt for comfort!

Luckily, after a few quick questions, I was able to bypass an x-ray and keep my pink pants hidden. If only Dr Gorgeous could have done me the favour of not mentioning 'possible incontinence' I would have escaped the hospital without any further mortification. I guess you can't win them all.

Despite the total destruction of my parents' car, an evening spent flitting between horror and humiliation, and a missed yoga class, things really weren't as bad as they could have been. My back is still very painful (and my neck makes a disturbing clicking sound when I look to the right), but no one was badly hurt. The woman in the car in front had barely any damage to her vehicle and was able to drive away from the accident with no problems. The woman behind had obviously squashed the front of her car by going into us with such force, but neither of them were hurt and that's the main thing. Yes, my favourite lipstick was in the car when the garage came to tow it away, but, that great loss aside, we were all very lucky.