How to Survive a Break-Up

Break-ups are never easy. Even truly dire relationships require time for mourning once they’re over. (Trust me, I’ve been there.) You’re entitled to feel as though the earth is crumbling around you when someone you care about suddenly stops being a part of your life. Tears must be shed, walls must be punched and, eventually, expensive clothing he had the audacity to leave at your house must be burned.

I like to think that as I’ve gotten older and wiser I’ve learned to cope with heartbreak much more effectively. Then I look back at the day the Beacon and I said our goodbyes, how I sat at an overpriced sports bar in Schiphol Airport waiting for my connection flight, knocking back whisky shots and mouthing the words to an Adele song, how I cried at an air hostess, how I got home, put on The Little Mermaid and wailed all the way through, and I realise that perhaps I’m not as great at dealing with heartache as I like to give myself credit for.

That said, over the years I’ve definitely learned how to work my way through a breakup with the least amount of pain and as few disastrous and humiliating incidents as possible. I’ve devised some strict rules for myself and I’ve discovered some really useful tricks for snapping myself out of the inevitable ‘no one is ever going to love me again and I’m going to become a strange bag lady with a pet ferret’ moods that come and go.

Unfortunately, the best cure for a broken heart is time (not tequila), but hopefully these tips will make it easier for you go get over the breakup and step away from the tub of ice-cream. I’ve split this guide into two posts. This first one is about how to survive the initial despair that comes with a breakup and the next one will be all about how to make the most of your new single life.

So here are my tips…

Give Yourself Time to Fall the Pieces

Regardless of whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, you will probably need time to go to pieces and cry into a box of Milk Tray. When I got home from Germany from the last time I was faced with my dissertation, two essays, and a whole lot of work to catch up on from the week of uni I’d missed. I didn’t have the time to spend weeks crying over pictures of the Indiana state flag. I gave myself three days to act as though the entire world were falling to pieces, to wail uncontrollably, to mouth the lyrics of Abba songs under a blanket, etc before I forced myself to try and regain some normality.

So take time out to become a totally hysterical mess. Obviously it will take more than a few days and a copy of Abba Gold to heal your broken heart, but giving yourself a set amount of time to unashamedly cry your eyes dry will help you to cleanse yourself of a good deal of the anger and hurt and will stop you from embarking on a long, drawn out period of constant misery. Of course you’ll still be sad, of course you’ll still want to cry sometimes, but it’s best to give yourself that time to totally and utterly languish in misery. You’ll feel better for it in the long-run.

You will need:

• A heart wrenching playlist (you can see my recommendations below or use my breakup playlist on Spotify)
• Excessive amounts of chocolate
• Tissues
• A duvet to make a cave out of
• Pjs
• Any movie inspired by a Nicholas Sparks novel

 Directions:

Set up your cave in front of the TV and ensure all of the above essentials along with enough sustenance to last a few days are all within arm’s reach. Camp out in your pit of sorrow until your appointed mourning period is over.

During this time you are entitled to look like something that has crawled out of a drain. Showering is optional and greasy hair is entirely acceptable.

Get a Reality Check

It seems to be human nature to idealize the things we know we can’t have. When I am on a diet, I crave microwaveable rice. Microwaveable rice really isn’t all that fantastic. Yes, it can be filling and, if you add some salt and pepper, it can taste ok, but it’s no fajita or chicken in peppercorn sauce. So, even though on treat days when I can eat anything I want, microwaveable rice is the last thing on my mind, as soon as I know I can’t have it, I can’t stop thinking about it.

Similarly, I was once in an unstable and, towards the end, entirely unenjoyable relationship. I wanted out. But, as soon as I was free of the guy I had grown to greatly dislike, I suddenly couldn’t think of anyone I would rather be with. Oh how I pined for him!

Then one night I sat down and forced myself to list all the reasons I’d broken up with him in the first place. I started to jot them down on a piece of paper and, low and behold, I came up with a whopping 161 examples of how awful he was for me. Suddenly the spell was broken and I was happy to put him behind me.  

Is your ex like microwavable rice? Are you just idealising them because they’re gone and you know you can’t have them? Be honest with yourself and stop holding on to some kind of daydream version of them that doesn’t really exist.

Delete them from your Life

There’s a misconception that agreeing to ‘just be friends’ with your ex is the mature, admirable thing to do.  However, there is nothing mature or admirable about crying into a bottle of wine because you spotted a new picture of him on Facebook with a silly little blond thing who wears cheap-looking extensions and hideous kitten heels. You don’t need the extra emotional turmoil of freaking out every time a girl comments on his timeline or likes one of his photos.

Option A:

Tell your ex that you need some time to get over the breakup, that maybe one day you can be friends, but that right now you think it would be better to sever all ties to make things easier. Unfriend them immediately.

Option B:

If you have the greatest of self-control you can unfollow them on Facebook so their updates won’t appear on you news feed, but they will remain none the wiser that you're avoiding them. Perfect for exes you are forced to stay in contact with due to mutual friends, work etc.

What’s more, there’s nothing mature or admirable about drunk-dialling your ex in the girls’ toilets of a run-down nightclub at 3am. Not that I have any experience with that…

Option A:

Delete their number from your phone. Destroy all traces of messages, emails etc.

Option B:

If you believe there may be a good reason for you keeping the number, write it down on a piece of paper, give it to a trusted friend, and instruct them only to give it to you when absolutely necessary (and only if you’re sober).

Draw a Line Under it

You’ve made it this far. You’ve sobbed yourself to sleep whilst watching The Notebook, you’ve got up, dusted yourself off and, by making a few changes to your social media account, you’re out of the cyber-stalking danger zone. Now all that’s left to do is draw a line under it and get ready to move on.  

However, all too often I’ve outwardly insisted I’m moving on while inwardly twiddling my thumbs, waiting for my ex to gallop back into my life on a noble steed and declare his undying love for me. That doesn’t count as drawing a line under it.

Unfortunately, while Chick Flicks are unquestionably great, they can induce us to believe that, eventually, if we wait long enough, we will be reconciled with our beloved ex. Noah and Ally live happily ever after (to a certain extent) in the house he lovingly built for her during her absence. After six seasons (and an overly-long movie) Mr Big finally stops being such an insufferable commitment-phobe and, at long last, puts a ring on it. And Mark Darcy dumps the annoying skinny woman and returns to Bridget Jones in spite of her general lack of social skills.

But, just because our favourite Chick Flicks have epic, tear-jerking happy endings does not necessarily mean that your ex will ever do the whole “It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” speech, or turn up in your closet to rescue your Malono Blahniks, or kiss you in the snow while you stand there in nothing but oversized pants and questionable running shoes.

Maybe one day you will get back together and live happily ever after. Maybe one day your ex will come crawling back and you’ll be too busy being fabulous to care. Either way, you can’t spend your life waiting for someone to realise how great you are. Because maybe they’re really, really stupid and won’t ever come to that logical conclusion.

So, for now, draw a line under it, hold your head high and get ready to move on to the next stage of breakup survival.

Check out part 2 of my breakup guide here!

Aimee’s Breakup Playlist

If you want a playlist to cry your heart out to, you can find mine on Spotify or here are a few suggestions for you to make your own. (This is my personal playlist to I apologise if you think my song choices are awful.)
       

Katy Perry – Thinking of You

Katy Perry – The One that Got Away

The Script – Breakeven

The Script – The Man who can’t be Moved

Adele – Someone like You

Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts

Kellie Pickler – Didn’t You Know how much I Loved You?

Kellie Pickler – Where did your love Go?

Kellie Pickler – Long as I Never See You Again

Kellie Pickler – One Last Time

Carrie Underwood – Someday when I Stop Loving You

Carrie Underwood ft. Sons of Sylvia – What Can I Say?
Abba – The Winner Takes it all