6 PMS Struggles Every Woman will Understand

I once had a lecturer who was convinced that PMS was a social construct, derived from the necessity of some sort of biological 'evidence' that would corroborate with the myth that women are mentally inferior to men. Now, that's a nice theory and all, but I have 12 years worth of experience of mascara-stained tears and rage-induced door slamming to suggest that PMS is real. And a bit of a bitch. 

So, to distract me from my own monthly bout of emotional upheaval and pain, I thought I'd write up a list of ridiculous PMS struggles every woman will understand.

1. You've bloated to the size of a small house 
There's nothing like gaining 3lbs in the space of 2 days and ballooning to the size of the HMS Bounty to exacerbate an already emotionally challenging few days. Those cute new skinny jeans may have fit you on Monday, but now they're so tight there's a risk the button will shoot off and blind someone across the room from you. Just be grateful that someone invented sweat pants.

2. Your emotions are as unpredictable as the National Rail Service 
One minute you're sobbing over an episode of The One Show, the next you're overcome with a burning desire the jab someone's eyes out. You hate everyone and everything (except, obviously, Nutella) and if your period doesn't come soon there is a serious risk that the next person to push in front of you in the queue at the supermarket will meet with an untimely and gruesome end.

3. You're a blotchy, greasy mess
You woke up looking like some kind of partially evolved sub-species of human. You have spots on your chin so huge there's a risk that when they finally leave they might be legally entitled to take half of your belongings with them, and your entire head looks as though it has been dipped in a vat of oil. There is not enough makeup in the world to counter a serious case of pre-menstrual hideousness.

4. Your mental faculties have deserted you
You find yourself unable to retain the simplest of information, you put salt in your tea, moisturiser on your toothbrush, and find yourself spending a good 4 hours typing up a blog post about PMS which, on any other day, would have taken half an hour or less.

5. In the last 20 minutes you've consumed appropriately 6,000 calories
There is not enough raw cookie dough, melted cheese or white bread in the world to satisfy your random cravings and endless hunger. And if the PMS demands you eat and entire jar of Nutella, who are you to refuse?

6. You just...can't be bothered
Everything from brushing your hair to reaching over to grab the TV remote requires significantly more effort than you are willing to muster. All of life's unnecessary frivolities (work, cooked meals, looking presentable etc) go out the window in favour of donning your pjs and curling up in a cocoon of self-pity with 900g of chocolate and the entire Sex and the City boxset.