Pokemon No-Go: My Pokemon Go Experience

In case you (somehow!) haven't heard, Pokemon has made an almighty comeback recently with the release of the new smartphone game, Pokemon Go. The world is going crazy for it, partly because, let's be honest, who doesn't love a Jigglypuff and partly because the game features augmented reality, which is basically just a fancy gamer way of saying you can use your phone camera to see the real world around you, but it's full of Pikachus and Squirrels.

My initial reaction to the news that the entire world was suddenly overrun with people rushing around trying to collect virtual Pokemon was, "Wait...what?"

Aside from the fact that the whole thing seemed completely bizarre to me, I wasn't exactly thrilled to see another time-draining app hit the market that would have us all glued to our phones. I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I'm getting tired of the glazed expression on my niece and nephew's faces as their brains melt into Minecraft, Roblox and the never-ending drudgery of flinging resentful birds at smug green pigs.

What ever happened to the pure joy of an entire afternoon spent playing with a cardboard box?

But, as Pokemon fever continued to spread and more and more people tried to convince me of the benefits ("People get out and about more when they're looking for Pokemon. If anything it encourages a healthy lifestyle!") I decided to give it a go. After all, I am a nineties kid. In my heyday I had 5 shiny Pokemon cards!

So I downloaded the app. I have to admit, when I first saw a Squirtle prancing around the living room my inner child squealed with joy. Into the Pokeball he went and (ta da!) I had my first Pokemon!

...Now what?

I could see there was another Pokemon hanging out at the end of the street so off I trotted and caught myself a Pidgey. It wasn't as fun the second time. Perhaps the novelty had already worn off or perhaps the fact that it was a Pidgey of all things was just too bitter of a disappointment. Either way, I lost interest and cut my Pokemon hunt short.

By the end of the day I had five Pokemon and had spent an entire car ride shouting at my mother, "Slow down! They're all getting away!" But I was already bored of staring at my poorly dressed avatar running aimlessly through the streets. And what was I even meant to do with these Pokemon now that I had them? I'd spotted some kind of Pokemon Gym during the car journey, but what was it for? And would I have to hang out on the M4 slip road to access it? Surely that's not safe!

My Pokemon adventure was short lived. By the end of the day I was totally over it and deleted the app to make room for a 'gym playlist' I made for a workout I know in my heart of hearts I will never actually get around to doing. I tried to get excited about all the Jinxes and Pidgettos that were loitering around, but I just couldn't get into it. I didn't like having my nose pressed to the phone screen, waiting for the next adorable little virtual weirdo to pop up. And let's not even get into the whole 'people accidentally walking off cliffs' thing.

I'm sure my opinion won't matter much to Nintendo though. Pokemon Go has already added more than $7 billion to the company's market value and I think it's fair to say that in many instances the game has already reached full-blown obsession mode. When I saw the video of hundreds of people swarming Central Park to catch a Vaporeon I had the same sense of confused disbelief as I did when the Spice Girls announced their reunion in 2007.

Once again it seems the 90s are coming back to haunt us. I guess if I can get over seeing a 32 year old Mel B trying to make metallic knee-high boots work in the twenty-first century then I can get over watching my adult friends running through the streets chasing Charmanders. But, seriously you guys, I draw the line at the return of Manpris.